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Thursday, March 5, 2009
SHE SAID: TRADITIONAL VIETNAMESE WEDDING CEREMONY
By Jolene Jang~ Guest Blogger
I had mentioned in earlier blogs that we will have three main wedding events. The first of these is the Vietnamese Ceremony. It starts with picking the appropriate date. A lot of factors go into this decision. The weather, budget, venue and vendors may be at the top of your list. If you are of traditional Asian descent, Chinese astrological reading trumps all. Based on my fiancé’s and my birthdates and time of birth, my future mother-in-law’s Chinese astrologer friend determined that March 20th is the optimal date for us to ensure the best possible outcome of our marriage. Unfortunately, this date falls on a Friday morning which is an inconvenient time for many; however, it’s a small price to pay for marital bliss.
A Vietnamese wedding is very different from a western wedding. To see Vinh’s cousin’s wedding in California, click on the video below:
Sorry there’s no dubbed or subtitled version at the moment so bear with the Vietnamese. We will also videotape ours to share with you.
Here is the sequence of events for the Vietnamese ceremony:
Everyone wakes up really early and get into their attire. Here is a picture of Vinh and me in our traditional Vietnamese gowns.
7 am - groom’s relatives and close friends gather at groom’s family home which has been decorated with a special arbor before the entrance of the house and Chinese good-fortune charms.
8 am – groom’s crew caravan to bride’s family home to deliver the offerings for the bride and pay respects to the bride’s ancestors. There is a formal introduction of family members (In the old days, marriages were arranged. Sometimes, the bride and groom had never even met. The families may be total strangers) The bride’s parents formally agree to the union, wish the couple good fortune and share words of wisdom. They do the tea ceremony and then everyone drinks and eat. My mother, who isn’t Vietnamese, is a bit perplexed and nervous about her responsibilities, like what kind of tea to serve, what kind of snacks or hors d’ouevres?
By the way, this is where Vinh’s family trades a roast pig for the bride. My father thinks this is a fair exchange; he’s really into that crispy skin and fatty meat that melts in your mouth. Other gifts are jewelry, tea, wine, fruits & pastries (i.e, sticky rice)
9 am - groom’s family takes bride with them to their home. Bride’s family follows. It is critical that all return to the home before the magical 10:30 time. More introductions are made of other family/friends awaiting their return. Respects are paid to the groom’s ancestors. Groom’s parents give permission to be called mother & father, share advice and words of wisdom about married life. Everyone enjoys tea & pastries.
1 pm - family and friends gather at O’Asian Restaurant to celebrate this momentous event with more eating and drinking.
I know what you are thinking. The proper attire for this event should be stretchy pants with all of the eating and drinking. And when they came up with this ceremonious tradition, they probably weren’t considering the environmental impact… all those cars driving back and forth. Can’t we just have everyone at the same place and do the introduction once? Well, there is a reason behind this slanted compulsion for repetition and driving. My mother-in-law said back in the day, girls don’t move out of the house until they are married; actually this is still true in Vietnam at present time. This ceremony signifies the transition of the bride into the groom’s family so you have to have the back and forth traveling. Also in Vietnam this event may draw a huge turnout, sometimes the whole neighborhood. Only a selected few have the privilege to travel with the respective wedding party. Otherwise just the introduction may run the entire day.
My mother-in-law reflected on her wedding day. It was exciting like a wedding celebration should be, yet there was a level of anxiety of leaving a familiar and safe place she always felt comfortable and free. Plus, she knew that after the celebration is over, the tough work begins because in joining the groom side you also take on the chores of the entire family (my father-in-law has 11 siblings); not fun when you are lowest on the totem pole.
The one tradition I’m glad to have is receiving the red envelopes. Usually, newlyweds are just starting out after marriage. Part of the ritual is buying a house and filling it with stuff. Well Vinh and I are ahead of the game. We’ve stocked up on more things than we should so I don’t think there’s anything on store registries that we would need or want. So getting red envelopes with money gives us more flexibility as to where we can apply the funds… like covering the wedding expenses or putting it towards the honeymoon.
Question of the day: When you are attending a wedding, what do you prefer to give money, registry item or a gift of your choice? On the other side, what would you like to receive as the bride and groom?
He Said: Does The Government Intervene With Your Guest List?
Posted By Vinh Chung ~ Guest Blogger
My family, one of my father’s younger brother, and I escaped Vietnam backing 1979. The Indonesian government took us in and we hopped from one refugee camp to the next until we could get word to my aunt and uncle in Washington. They sponsored us over in February 1980 and we started a new beginning in a small town called Prossor. Since then all of my father’s family have been sponsored over; there were eleven children on my father’s side. My father has one more sibling, than my mother; she only had ten.
My mother, on the other hand, still has three brothers in Vietnam. So when we were working out our invitation list, we had tough decisions of who to invite. Sure, we would like to have all the relatives attend the Vietnamese ceremony, but we would have to charter a small plane for everyone. We decided to invite the eldest of the brothers who is still in Vietnam (along with his wife). I refer to him as Uncle 7. In Vietnam, you address your elders by numbers rather than their given names out of respect. The number is associated with the birth order of that individual, however; the first born is referenced as number two; number one is reserved for the father (in a male dominate society, the father is considered number one). So if I have an uncle who’s the sixth sibling in the family, I would call him, Uncle 7. His wife would take on his number so I call her, Aunt 7. Now, if the same aunt was the eldest in her family, and she had nieces and nephews, they would call her Aunt 2 and her husband Uncle 2. Kind of confusing isn’t it? I can see why it’s not adopted in other cultures. Don`t ask me for their actual names because I do not know them… just their numbers.
Well, when it came time to invite Uncle and Aunt 7, I learned there is a formal process to undertake. I thought my uncle and aunt could simply get a travel visa and book their reservations; like how it is for me to go to Vietnam. Nope. I guess both governments restrict travel of individuals from Vietnam to the US for only justifiable reasons and just vacationing is not one of them… but attending the wedding of a family member is. The requirements included:
Proof of the wedding - A formal document stating wedding date and location.
Invitation to the wedding - We had to make two versions of our invitations using Vietnamese character software to create the ones for our Vietnamese guests.
Financial records from the hosts - In this case it would be my parents, since they are hosting my relatives. I guess the US government wants assurance we can afford to host our guests.
Applicants’ financial records - Probably both governments want to make sure they have reasons (assets) to go back home to their country.
Those of you who are inviting guests from Vietnam or other developing countries, consider looking planning into this far in advance. We just received approval for Uncle and Aunt 7. They will be coming one week before the wedding and will stay for 3 months before returning home.
Speaking of out-of-town guests, way out-of-town, inviting dead guests is much easier. This may seem odd, but from my family`s Vietnamese Buddhist culture, our deceased are still part of the family. So in addition to getting the blessings from our parents, we also need to seek them from our ancestors.
Here is an example of an alter, however those found in the homes are not as elaborate.
Typically, there are pictures of those who passed away (grandparents and great grandparents). The marriage ritual involves asking them to welcome and look over the new members of the family. The nice thing about inviting the dead is, is we don`t have to pay per head. In fact it doesn’t take much to please them; just a pot of tea, a bowl of fruit and incense.
He Said & She Said: The Bachelor Plans the Bachelorette Party
By Vinh Chung and Jolene Jang Guest Bloggers
He said: What is the proper etiquette for planning a bachelorette party? Is it wrong for the bachelor to initiate a bachelorette party? Well, my boys put together an unforgettable bachelor party in January. One of the guys in the group is a high roller who gambles in the six digit range, so most of the expenses incurred at the Palazzo and Venetian were comped. Never have I had such VIP treatment, ranging from fine dining at Delmonico and Sushisamba to clubbing at Lavo to the massages at the Canyon Ranch Spa. We also had a few extracurricular activities, but there is no need to share them.
In any case, I wanted Jolene, my fiancée, to have a grand experience. Towards the end of January, I took matters into my own hands. I casually asked Jolene who she would invite, if she had a party. With these names, I opened her Outlook contacts and made some calls. It was a challenge getting everyone’s schedule to sync, but after a long exchange of emails, we found a weekend that worked. I made reservations for Vegas and the plan was underway.
To keep Jolene in the dark, I collaborated with her out-of-town friend MJ to setup misdirection. We had MJ tell Jolene to clear the weekend that she needed to be picked up at the airport; MJ told Jolene they would have a local party. Jolene is pretty thorough, so we made sure to give her a real arrival flight that coincided with the departure in case she checked. It was fortunate that she had a doctor’s appointment earlier that morning, so I had time to pack her things and pick up the rest of the crew.
She said: It didn’t occur to me to have a bachelorette party. I suppose it is not the job of the bride, but the role of girlfriends to set it up. My mother said that ladies didn’t have bachelorette parties in her day. I got a call from MJ asking if I wanted help in planning my bachelorette party. I was just grateful and excited to have a bachelorette party.
Come Friday, I hopped online to check MJ’s flight status before heading off for my doctor’s appointment. When I got to the airport, MJ called and said she needed help with her luggage, describing the sky-bridge and door she was at.
I had no clue that she was actually calling from Phoenix; tricky, tricky. When I walked in the baggage claim area, I was stunned to see six familiar faces wrapped in red boas and holding a banner that said, “It’s about time, Jolene. Let’s celebrate!” I was presented with a white boa and matching veil and wedding bouquet. My future mother-in-law, mom, aunt, friend fiancé, and dad managed to completely surprise me. Wow, shocker!
He said: Jolene mentioned that she wanted her mom to be at the Bachelorette party because they are close. I thought that if we also invited her aunt, they can hang out together in case the younger gals take on more risqué activities. They suggested we add my mom to the roster. Since none of them had their own bachelorette party, I thought it would be fitting to have them experience one. We arrived at the airport 20 minutes before Jolene and got into position. We called MJ and described the surrounding in detail so she could be convincing when talking to Jolene. Curious bystanders were recruited to be our eyes. They saw Jolene pull up and queued the camera to roll.
She said: The party commenced after we boarded the plane. MJ drove to Vegas from Phoenix and JI (my other friend from Seattle) flew in later. We checked into the beautiful Bella suite at the Venetian, ready to hit the town. Like all bachelor and bachelorette parties, some details will be omitted. However, trip highlights can be seen below. Mission accomplished. I’m lucky in love!
We had a lovely time being silly. My mother, mother-n-law and aunt were "funnin' it up."
He Said: Couples Compatibility Test - Where Is My Easy Button?
Posted By Vinh Chung
~ Guest Blogger
Wouldn’t it be great if we had some way to assess whether we are a good fit to the person we just started dating? Considering on average how much time and money (not to mention head aches) go into failed relationships, some of us would probably be millionaires by now with a new found skill or talent from the relocation of free time. Well, in Eastern Asian cultures, it is a common practice (at least for my parent’s generation) to consult with an astrologist when there is a hint of marriage in the relationship.
From my understanding of Chinese astrology, your identity and destiny are influenced by the time of your birth; analogous to Brazilian new born whose fathers choose the soccer team they root for. Most of you are aware of the twelve Chinese Zodiac animals. Combinations with the five elements (fire, wood, earth, metal, and water) they complete a 60-year cycle. What is lesser known are the inner animals represented by the 12 months and the secret animals for hours of the day. So for each person, there are (12 x 5 x 12 x 12) 8,640 combinations of animals and elements, wow! To a certain extent, you can shape your fortune or destiny by adjusting your surroundings (the practice of Feng Shui) and choosing who you spend significant time with. You would choose to do so because your fortune changes from year to year as your Zodiac animals interact with the animal of the current year, bringing you good, bad or indifferent luck.
The majority of traditional Asians do not dwell on how to “manipulate” their fortune on a day-by-day basis. Rather, they seek astrological readings for major life events. An industry has been built around astrological readings, from online sites (such as firepig.com and chinese.astrology.com) to services that send daily horoscopes to your cell phone via text messages. But for major events, an in-person reading is usually preferred.
Back in 2004, Jolene and I had our fortune read and compatibility assessed. We were in San Jose, California for my cousin’s wedding and coincidentally so was my mother’s family friend (a well known astrologist from Vietnam). It was my first in-person reading though my mom has had many readings from her friend. My mom isn’t the only one who is convinced of her friend’s gift. Vietnamese Americans have flown my mom’s friend from her home in Vietnam to America to perform these readings; usually it is for a big business transactions or other large investment like buying a home.
Even with the high regard for the astrologist’s ability, I went into it as a casual observer. We all sat down at a round kitchen table with a set of tea cups and pot and proceeded with small talk. The astrologist commented on what a fine adult I turned out to be since she last saw me when I was just five years old in Vietnam. I introduced Jolene to her and she gave us more praises.
My preconception of what this reading was way off. Though we sat at a round table, we didn’t link hands. It was in a brightly lit room. No ominous chants; nothing like in the movies. However, as the session went on, an eerie feeling set over me as she disclosed things I had not shared with anyone. Her descriptions of Jolene, me and our relationship regarding things in the past and present were spot on; keep in mind this was the first time she met Jolene. Since she did not speak English and my Vietnamese was shabby at best, my cousins translated. Some of the personal items she shared made me feel a bit embarrassed to have my cousins present.
After the session was over, I was flabbergasted, but glad that we had a positive reading for our relationship… relatively speaking. Normally, an ox and tiger is the worst combination because tigers tend to eat oxen. Thankfully when our elements, inner and secret animals are considered, Jolene and I are about 60% compatible; 10-15% better than the national divorce rate. I regard this as the best possible outcome. If it was down in the 30% range, we would have been depressed and probably reflect back to this session each time the relationship gets heated. If it was +80% we might not try as hard and thus may end up having a similar outcome as with a low score.
The reading was done almost five years ago. Her predictions were correct. Does this mean I’m a believer now? Not quite. I’m still on the fence until more substantial events come true. There was a subsequent astrological reading to determine the “lucky” wedding dates, but I’ll save that for another time.
Question of the day: If you knew your relationship was doomed to fail, would you still plow ahead and try to make the best of it?
She Said: The Vietnamese Reception Dilemma – Suggestions?
By Jolene Jang
~ Guest Blogger
Have you heard of the Chinese restaurant called O’Asian? “Swankola,” this downtown Seattle restaurant has up lighting, stainless steel accents, cherry wood with white leather chairs and tables and stylish dishware – not your average Chinese Restaurant.
Vinh and I both dig dimsum, which is the Chinese version of American Brunch. You can get this special lunch time food on the weekends between 11-2pm at certain restaurants. The wait staff push around metal carts of steamed food with little plates of three items each meant to share at the table. It’s yummy.
Who likes instant gratification? As the cart moves past you, you can point to what you want and eat it now. It’s a bit like sampling food at Costco, but it is better and bigger portions, but still tasters. Since my fiance and I love dimsum so much, it seems like the obvious choice for dinner at our Vietnamese reception. Because we are a party of 50-60, we will need to have dimsum in a buffet style.
So what’s the problem? The mother of the bride wants a plated dinner with fancy, traditional food. With the relatives who are visiting, she is concerned that a plane ride deserves a seven course traditional meal.
We are not sure what do? For taste I choose dimsum, hands down. In my opinion, the other Vietnamese options for food are not tasty or convenient to eat (for example, I like to have my chicken skinless, boneless, cut up and place in my mouth for me. I work all day long, please don’t make me work at my food too. Plus, you can choose what you want to eat without feeling embarrassed for not trying everything or finishing what’s on your plate.
The friends I am inviting may be frightened or feel awkward by the tentacles, eyeballs, feet and other parts sticking out at them. I don’t want them walking away from our Vietnamese reception fixated on “what do you do when you are scared of the food?”
We also have time constraints. We need to be gone by 2:30 p.m. A wedding reception that is 1.5 hours is pretty snappy. It could be do-able with bite size buffet style food that is ready when we arrive, but a 7 course meal just doesn't seem to fit with our timeline.
Question of the day: How do we find the compromise between what we want to serve as the meal, and respecting the wishes of the Mother-of-the-bride? Does a compromise exist? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
She Said: 3 Important Events In 3 Months And 3 People To Please!
By Jolene Jang ~ Guest Blogger
Traditionally, the bride defines the wedding and all that is related, from the venue, theme, invitation, menu, and so forth. It’s great to get your way with everything; however the consequence is having all the stress that comes from being the main person managing the activities. So I welcomed my fiancé’s offer to take on his share of the wedding planning aspects. That is, until I learned that he wanted a destination wedding via cruise ship.
When I first heard about this I was hoping he was saying it on a whim. I soon learned that this has been a lifelong dream of his. He assured me this is the way to go and backed it up with his logical rationales. Personally, my take on destination weddings is someone else plans it and after the trip, you leave all the memories in some foreign location…not what I had in mind for my wedding. The main problem is it restricts the attendance financially. I pictured my wedding celebration to be a big party with many of my friends, families, and colleagues. Realistically, how many people would be able to take 7 days off and cough up the cash for the travel expenses? Close family members don’t have a choice (however, most of my families are retired anyways), but it’s too much to ask of our friends and colleagues.
So my options were...
Find another man
Chip away at him to change his mind
Make sure we have a big party reception at the home front
Option “a” is a lot more work, seeing how we already have joint accounts and own a house together. Plus, it would be difficult to meet someone with my level of work ethic, yet who is also fun. I forgot to mention, my complimentary services I would lose, like gourmet dinners, photo and video shoots, on-call techie, maintenance and cosmetician. Efficiency is high on my list of values, so option “a” is crossed off.
Option “b” would take strategic planning and a tremendous amount of effort on my part to reprogram him (something you don’t want to do regardless). When I googled for a solution and posted a question on social network sites, I was unable to find adequate solutions.
Option “c” is the answer by process of elimination. We like fun festivities and so the more the merry. It’s the “his” and “hers” events. Everyone wins.
But just when you think the situation is resolved, fate throws you another curve ball; enters stage left …the mother-in-law.
For Vinh’s mom, this is a really important event in the Vietnamese culture. It is her eldest son being wedded off. This signifies a transition to independence and the son would typically move out and get a place of his own with the new bride. Though in Vietnam, for families who are not as well off, the new wifie would move into the husband’s family’s house with his parents and possibly other relatives like the grandparents and siblings. Everyone is delighted because… yup, you guessed it … an extra pair hands to cater to the men of the families. Hahaha, good one. Ain’t going to happen with an Americanized gal, I’ll tell you that much.
Fortunately, this isn’t the case with my fiancé’s family. However, Vinh’s mom insisted that we have the traditional Vietnamese tea ceremony before anything else. Further this ceremony has to take place on a specific date and at a specific time (more on this in future blogs)! As for my folks, they know me well enough to support my decisions. No pulling rank here; not with the independent thinking they have instilled in me. My folks appreciate tradition, but are always out to have fun. At the same time, they fully support Vinh’s folks in following what traditions are necessary to ensure a happy marriage for Vinh and me. How can you argue with that??!!
As I look at my calendar for the next three months, I have major events besides our wedding with my Fun Specialist Business. I feel a bit faint at the thought of it all; fortunately my 5’ 1” figure won’t result in serious injuries from the fall. How will my fiancé and I execute all of this? I don’t know at this point, but I do believe utilizing technology will be a key component. It is serious crunch time!
Here is our timeline of major wedding related events. We have the dates and the vision, but are lacking the contracts in hand. We would appreciate any comments or suggestions to help solidify our plans. Timeline for the 3 wedding events:
March 20, Friday, Vietnamese Ceremony in family homes, reception at O’Asian Restaurant
April 26, Sunday Cruise Destination Wedding, Mexican Riviera, Venue in Puerto Vallarta TBA
May 9, Saturday Westernized Reception (The Party), Venue in Greater Seattle TBA
Question of the day: Like many bank-roll-challenged wedding couples, we are price conscious. Pitch in your nine cents and share with us your best ways to cut costs and save a penny or two. Your ideas and suggestions are much appreciated. Post them in the comments section below.
He Said: Pre-Wedding Confessions – Are you married yet?
Posted By Vinh Chung ~ Guest Blogger
Gone are the customs of our parents that required a wedding ceremony before moving in together. My fiancé and I are among the growing demographics of couples living together before saying our vows. We kind of did things out of order… opened a joint account, bought a house together…no kids yet.
This would be unheard of for our parents’ generation. It would have involved running away and starting a new life elsewhere. Had the news broke, they would have been written out of the will and disowned, assuming they were successful at dodging bullets.
Even for our generation, being financially joined before marriage sounds like a risky proposition to undertake, but we have been together for over nine years. In that vein, we knew we would have another 65 years together and decided to prolong the formalities for the advancement of our careers as well as having the appropriate funds and contacts to execute our dream wedding. Mid 2008, we concluded that 2009 will be the year to end the question of, “Are you married yet?” After all I proposed to her in 2005. You know it’s time to get married when most of your friends are on their fourth child. Gee-whiz! How the heck will we catch up?
I’ve always envisioned having a cruise ship wedding. I arrived at this conclusion from all the shortcomings of a typical western wedding. You spend a whole year (ideally) planning for an event that transpires over a single day. In the span of 8-10 hours you are rushed from one location to the next, from pictures to vows to the reception. Many of my friends said they were too stressed out and exhausted to enjoy their wedding. We often joke that it’s supposed to be this way to deter us from doing it again. Having a science and engineering mind, I deducted that if you spread these activities over a longer period of time, you should be able to maximize the depth of conversation from “Congratulations, we wish you well” to actually hanging out with your guests.
On a cruise ship, everything is taken care for you; all the great food you can stuff in your belly, plenty of activities and entertainment and exploration at the ports. Blanket a wedding over a 7-day cruise, everyone can take their time to bond, enjoy themselves, and partake in the festivities. Unfortunately, like many principles and theories in science that are simplified to reflect an absolute truth, I soon learned my narrow understanding of a cruise wedding is far removed from multitude of considerations existing in our complex lives. I had to also accept the fact that as much as I want to call the shots, the executive team are the ladies of the family; my fiancé and moms. I still participate in debates to exert what little weight I can muster. We have determined there will be three parts to our wedding to accommodate the three couples (us and our parents).
Vietnamese tea ceremony and reception
Cruise Wedding in the Mexican Riviera
American “Party” Reception
Please join my fiancé and me, in our guffaws as we share with you our faux pas. We will have helpful tips and take-aways to accomplish this ambitious undertaking. Just in case you too need to cram, we will share with you our experience. Because blogging is a two way street, we will also solicit your help to address our predicaments as these events unfold.
Help! Jolene and Vinh Are Planning Their Wedding & Need Your Help
We are so very excited to introduce you to a local (Seattle) couple planning a wedding for this spring, Jolene and Vinh. Jolene is your typical, everyday Japanese, Chinese, Swedish, balloon-twisting, swing dancing, karaoke singing, Fun Specialist. She produces interactive meetings where employees get involved and motivated to do their work. At his core, Vinh is an efficiency finder and problem solver and is from a family of all engineers with multiple advanced degrees. His mind thinks of ways to improve processes, devise solutions, or extract value from things overlooked.
So the question is, how does an engineer meet and fall in love with a fun specialist?
For starters, they both share the love for learning and have a tenacious appetite for new experiences. They share a passion for travel, anthropology and community service and we're pretty much sure that makes them one of the coolest couples around.
So now, here they are, ready to plan their wedding, or weddings we should say, since Jolene and Vinh are planning on traditional Vietnamese wedding, one destination wedding and one at-home, full-out American wedding reception bash...
And this is where you come in. Every Tuesday and Thursday, Jolene and Vinh will be guest blogging, right here at Lucky In Love. They will be offering both the female and male perspectives of planning a wedding and they will share with you some of the ins and outs of planning their three events and in turn will rely on you for your advice and expertise. After all, it is February and they are planning on a spring 2009 wedding, so all the help and advice they can get from you will make this whole process so much easier.
Check back later today for their first post and be sure to follow along and Jolene and Vinh plan the wedding of their dreams!
Banquet & Event Resource, Inc.
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By Jolene Jang ~ Guest Blogger
By the way, this is where Vinh’s family trades a roast pig for the bride. My father thinks this is a fair exchange; he’s really into that crispy skin and fatty meat that melts in your mouth. Other gifts are jewelry, tea, wine, fruits & pastries (i.e, sticky rice)
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